Mr. Wizard Part 5: The Life Coach

I don’t want to brag but, things are going pretty well for me. My problems are small and my blessings are many. When I am old and grey (well, older and greyer) and look back on the ‘good old days,’ that time will probably be now.

But of course, neither I nor my life are perfect. Mistakes have been made along the way, and continue to be made in the present. Most commonly, a failure to act when action was needed. All too often I practice the fine art of procrastination. So when I saw the following quote, I took it as an appropriate kick in the ass:

“The best thing you can do is the right thing. The next best thing you can do is the wrong thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.”

Sounded like something my father might say. Something that a serial procrastinator such as myself ought to pay more heed to. When in doubt: do something. Hey I knew what I could “do,” I’d post that quote on Facebook, and maybe someone else would find it inspirational too.

Someone did. But not in the way I intended. Mr. Wizard seemed to take it as a personal attack and responded with this exact text:

“How many of us have much effect other than positing what is right or wrong? Needless to say, I am enjoying life doing nothing and I will die before anyone gives a sthit. I think at least the happy ending will happen to you too.”

What in the hell was that? And yes that’s how he spelled sthit.

Was Mr. Wizard now presuming to be my guidance counselor? My life-coach? Was he drunk? Although I had been routinely deleting his comments, this one really begged for a response. But how to do it? I tried writing a point-by-point response to his comment, it went like this:

Mr. Wizard: ”How many of us have much effect other than positing what is right or wrong?”

ME: A few. But you will not be one of them.

Mr. Wizard: ”Needless to say, I am enjoying life doing nothing and I will die before anyone gives a sthit.”

ME: Correct. That was needless to say. And please count me among those who don’t give a sthit.

Mr. Wizard: ”I think at least the happy ending will happen to you too.”

ME: Well, I’m already pretty happy, but considering that your idea of happiness appears to be doing nothing, having no effect, and dying before anyone gives a sthit – then I’m afraid I must decline your kind offer. Good luck with that.

I though that was pretty funny, at least it amused me for awhile, but I didn’t post it. As usual I just deleted his comment, in the vain hope that he might give up. But I was wrong. There were more comments. Many more. Until Mr. Wizard posted this little beauty on his Facebook wall:

“Do you have that friend who posts far left or far right meme’s but is unwilling to take constructive criticism or hear anything contrary to his/her beliefs, regardless as to how far out or conspiracy driven their ideas are? Me too. He has previously blocked me from continuing to respond to a post, and today sent me the finger. I give him credit however, he has not unfriended me and we do remain friends in real life.”

I laughed. I knew he was referring to me because that very day I’d made a post which featured “the finger.” It was not specifically targeted at Mr. Wizard, so once again he was mistaken. But then again, if the finger fits…

And Mr. Wizard thought he was offering constructive criticism? On what? Dying before anyone gives a sthit? Socialist fire department policy? The fake news of the friendly farmers? The Prager U conspiracy?

Oh my goodness, how would I ever survive in my fantasy-world of delusion without Mr. Wizard’s wise council? Just fine probably. I’d gotten along my first 50 years without him, and was hoping to spend whatever years I had left with the same absence.

But it wasn’t to be anytime soon. 

As Mr. Wizard mentioned, we remained friends in real life, though a more accurate term might be ‘frenemies.’ And though he was a constant annoyance, he was also an endless source of unintentional comedy. 

And the next comedic episode would play out in real life, as Mr. Wizard returned to prove once and for all, that he ‘knew a lot about pool.’

Continued in Part 6 >

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