Was supposed to go to Japan, but I didn\u2019t bring any warm clothes with me and I don\u2019t want to buy new ones, so booked a new trip to Myanmar. Heard there\u2019s some sort of genocide going on there, but that won\u2019t stop me. However learning that it takes 3 days to get a visa to Myanmar the day before I was going to depart does stop me.<\/p>\n
Okay, new plan. According to Skyscanner I can get a flight to Saigon for $65 so ding ding ding, I\u2019m going to Saigon. Have been to Vietnam before, but not Saigon, so why not? I remember it was a pain in the ass getting a Vietnam visa at the airport, they only accept cash and there\u2019s no ATM machines, so I get some local currency before setting out for the airport. What a smart guy I am.<\/p>\n
Show up at the ticket counter and am informed that without a visa invitation they won\u2019t let me on the plane. Somehow I forgot about that little detail. What a dumbass I am. <\/p>\n
The gate agent says I\u2019m early enough that I could apply for the visa online and get approval in time for the flight. Okay I\u2019ll try. Sign up for airport wifi, find the Vietnam Visa site, and send in my application. It usually costs $17, but for \u201cairport express\u201d service it\u2019s $67, guess that\u2019s the price of being lazy.<\/p>\n
Get an automatic confirmation email of receiving my order right away. Sit and wait about 20 minutes and then think, \u201cIt\u2019s Saturday, I wonder if anyone is actually there?\u201d<\/p>\n
Call the number and the lady on the other side says, \u201cHello Mr. Dennis.\u201d She knows who I am because she has my phone number from my application. She also knows that it\u2019s Saturday, that makes us even. Then she tells me something I didn\u2019t know, that to process an order on Saturday it will cost an extra $133 and I need to email a copy of my passport.<\/p>\n
What I\u2019m thinking is, \u201cBitch, why didn\u2019t you send me an email telling me this right away? Or call? Or put this info on your Commie website? I\u2019m sitting at the frigging airport with my flight boarding in an hour and you\u2019re sitting around waiting for me to call?\u201d But I say, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
She says she\u2019ll send me an email explaining the three options:
\n\u2022 Pay $133 get it right away
\n\u2022 Pay $0 get it on Monday
\n\u2022 Get a refund<\/p>\n
My hotels are already booked and my 30 day Thailand visa expires today, so I say, \u201cOption 1.\u201d She asks if I will confirm by email. Two minutes later I email a copy of my passport and the instructions, \u201cPlease proceed with option 1.\u201d<\/p>\n
She responds with, \u201cPlease check email for making payment.\u201d<\/p>\n
I check all the emails, check my spam folder, and there is no way to make a payment. Respond with, \u201cI do not see a way to make payment from the email.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her response, \u201cWe have sent you an online invoice. Just send a remind again. Please load your email inbox.\u201d<\/p>\n
There is no invoice in my email. Ask if there\u2019s another way to pay, but she just keeps trying to send the same thing. Time is getting tight. The airline will stop issuing boarding passes in ten minutes. I go up to the ticket counter and explain my predicament. There is no later flight I can take. In desperation I ask the Vietnam visa people if I can just email my credit card info? I don\u2019t like doing that, but time is almost out.<\/p>\n
She emails back, \u201cYou can pay at this link: www.i-am-a-stupid-communist-who-could-have-sent-this-link-ahalf-hour-ago.commie”<\/p>\n
The visa letter pops up, I\u2019m giving a boarding pass and 30 minutes to get on the plane. How hard can it be? Run through the outer lobby to the escalator up to security. There\u2019s a big group tour of Chinese tourists waiting at the bottom and the escalator is closed due to the security line being too full. I show the security lady the boarding time on my ticket and ask if she\u2019ll let me through. Nope. Is there another security line? Yep.<\/p>\n
More running through the airport. Up another escalator and\u2026 the line through security is small, almost no waiting at all. I just might make it. Do the shoeless shuffle x-ray and then run for the next stop at immigration. Escalator down and oh oh, line is long, like 200 people long. My watch says I\u2019ve only got 20 minutes. Umm. No way I\u2019m getting through here in 20 minutes. I wonder if they\u2019ll hold the plane for me? I wonder if my luggage will go without me? I wonder for another 30 minutes before getting my passport stamped out.<\/p>\n
The visa lady calls to tell me that someone will meet me at the airport in Saigon. I say, \u201cNot if I don\u2019t make my flight.\u201d<\/p>\n
More running through the airport. There\u2019s another guy running in flip-flops. I blow past him into the E-Wing, but also blow past my gate \u201cE2.\u201d Turn around at E6 and run back. Looking down at the jetway I see no plane. I guess it\u2019s left already. Bummer. But I guessed wrong. The flight is delayed and the plane isn\u2019t here yet. Awesome! <\/p>\n
Wait a bit then fly. I\u2019m on Jetstar, an Australian discount airline, and there were a few oddities when I bought the ticket. First off the taxes on the ticket were higher than the fare itself. But the really weird thing was the following option:<\/p>\n
\u201cFly Carbon Neutral
\nOffset the carbon emissions from your trip with our certified and accredited carbon offset program. You will offset 154kgs carbon emissions.\u201d<\/p>\n
Isn\u2019t that cute? Jetstar is on the \u201csave the planet bandwagon,\u201d and how much extra does it cost to save the planet? Just $1.45. Wow! What a deal. Who wouldn\u2019t want to save the planet and fly with a clear conscious for that? Well, anyone with a brain and ten seconds to think about it, that\u2019s who.<\/p>\n
1. How does paying any amount change the quantity of fuel used by the jet flying between Bangkok and Saigon? Answer: It doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
2. Where does the $1.45 go? Answer: To the \u201ccertified and accredited carbon offset program. (I.e. Al Gore’s bank account.)<\/p>\n
3. How in the heck can a $1.45 offset 154 KILOGRAMS of EMISSIONS??? Just to put this in perspective, that quantity of CO2 would fill 700 bathtubs. How pray tell, could 700 bathtubs of emissions be \u201coffset\u201d for $1.45? Answer: It can\u2019t.<\/p>\n
This entire offer is a scam, but one that delights the egos of the gullible. Newsflash: In a few million years, when humankind is long gone, the planet will still be spinning happily along, and whatever replaces us will look back on our history and laugh.<\/p>\n
Anyways, the emissions are made and the jet lands in Saigon. <\/p>\n
There\u2019s a preppy looking guy with my name on a sign. He takes my passport and asks me to wait. Not a fan of letting strangers run around with my passport, but there\u2019s no other option. Besides, it looks like it means he\u2019s going to stand in line for me, so I get comfy.<\/p>\n
Ten minutes and he\u2019s back. All done. Way faster than standing in line, almost worth paying extra just for that. Okay, got a big commie visa sticker in passport, and off to interrogation, err, I mean immigration. Find a very short line with a very sexy lady in front of me. Get approval from the passport troll, sexy lady not so much.<\/p>\n
One of the benefits of almost missing the flight is that my bag was last on – so also first off. This trip is starting to go my way. Now for my least favorite part of visiting a new place, figuring out how to avoid taxi ripoffs.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a smiling guy behind a taxi booth near the exit, \u201cSir you need taxi?\u201d I hand him the address I want. He quotes me 220,000 dong. About $10 US. Not bad, but my poker senses tell me its a bluff. Last time I took a taxi from the airport in DaNang the fare was closer to $2 US. Hey, eight bucks is eight bucks, and I got a lot of money to get back for my visa ripoff.<\/p>\n
Go outside looking for the regular taxi queue. An overhead \u2018taxi\u2019 sign is not exactly clear where the line starts. A friendly guy standing by a taxi waves me over to the other side of the barrier. Hmm, my poker sense is telling something is up, but I ask the guy, \u201cYou have meter? And he says yes, so I agree.<\/p>\n
He guides me to go around the official barrier, and that should have been a big frigging warning sign, but I went anyways. Off we go, check that there is a meter and it is ticking. Its already dark so I don\u2019t see much of Saigon, other than the never-ending stream of scooters around us. Its about 20-30 minutes to the hotel and I\u2019m a bit confused by the number I see on the meter: 650.<\/p>\n
Umm, surely it\u2019s not 650 dong, about 3 cents, but if it means 650,000 dong, about $30, then I\u2019m going to be pissed. The guy says, \u201c650,000 dong sir.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fuck.<\/p>\n
Okay, okay. It\u2019s just $30, pretty average for a taxi ride in any Western city, not a big deal. But that\u2019s not the point. The point is I\u2019m getting ripped off despite my best efforts not to. There are three tiers of taxi pricing, local price, official tourist price, and total sucker price. I\u2019m getting the latter. So much for my career in making fun of the gullible.<\/p>\n
Maybe I should have paid the Carbon Offset after all? I mean, if I wasn’t smart enough to save 20 bucks on a taxi, at least I could have saved the planet!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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